[limitations] if I make my bed in Sheol You are there

Today I discovered that I can't actually walk 4 miles in 90 degree heat without wanting to pass out at journey's end.

I am more proud of myself for asking for a ride home from meditation than for the walk to meditation, 'cos yeah, eight miles in 90 degree heat wasn't going to happen.

We sang a musical setting of Psalm 139 that sprang to our musician's mind after hearing about my walk in the heat because of the "if I go down into hell, You are there" imagery. Which is trufax, yeah.

As usual, I was much better at meditation -- brain was quieter -- when my body was tired.

And I did indeed get a ride home.

[triumph] the second biggest hill in the world

The biggest hill in the world, of course, is the one Niki climbed after Merry Wives of Windsor. (Well, okay, actually, this is the biggest hill in the world, but setting that aside for the moment.)

The hill leading up to my apartment complex is the kind of hill that kind of prevents me from ever walking down it because I know that, no matter how good the rest of my walk is, it will have to end with GIGANTIC HILL OF DOOM.

So:
+Every Wednesday night, I go to meditation down in Westport. (Please ask me for details if you want to join us. It's a great blessing for me.)
+My car is still in Iowa, scrunched up and sad and with blood in the hood from the deer I hit last Monday.
+My girlfriend is in Wichita, visiting her family, and for reasons that fall into I Do Not Blog Publicly About My Health, I chose not to couldn't come with her.

So I walked to Westport. It's a four mile walk. I did it in jussst over an hour, so I'm just under my preferred walking speed (4 mph), but basically I'm pleased that I can still walk almost 4 mph despite being ever so slightly out of shape from several years of no exercise at all. So that was a physical triumph. Laziness, 0, Ruth Ellen, 1.

Then, before meditation started, I had a lengthy and enthused conversation with the people I meditate with (about the only subject I can reliably talk about at length and with enthusiasm: church. Specifically ours.) Still! Social anxiety, 0, Ruth Ellen, 1.

Meditation itself? Was so much better than for instance last week, when I was so anxious about the deer strike and related issues that I couldn't turn my brain off long enough to even try to meditate. This week, tired from walking and feeling lots less anxious, I actually managed to meditate without my brain exploding. General anxiety, 0, Ruth Ellen, 1.

Then I walked back home, since I canna sleep in Westport, and made that trip also in just over an hour. It seemed easier, too, except for that incredibly large hill that makes me never want to walk down from the safety of the apartment complex again.

So I walked eight miles yesterday. I give me 1 gold star, and my dad gives me two (one for every state I walked in) and my mom gives me one, and my best friend gives me one, and I am open to more. :)

+++

Then I stayed up until 5 in the morning talking first to best friend on the phone for nearly 6 hours and then to best Australian friend on IM (we almost never have the chance to chat because of the halfway around the world problem) until I finally had to collapse asleep. So sleep remains a problem.

But I walked eight miles yesterday, you guys. And had a real conversation and meditated deeply enough that my brain was almost, almost silent for half an hour.

\o/

[spoons, willpower, and grace] your faith has made you well

1. Spoons is actually the first thing I wanted to post about when we started discussing this blog. Spoon Theory [link goes to main page where there's a link to the 2 page pdf] is a way of conceptualizing chronic illness/disability that's really meaningful and helpful for me and many of the people I know. Go ahead and read it; I'll wait.

Here, e.g., people describe their own particular spoon requirements in living with repetitive stress injuries, blindness, anxiety, and other conditions.

Spoons are resources/energy that temporarily able-bodied people (this designation is a reminder that anyone could become disabled at any time) have and don't think about. Walking/running through an airport to catch a plane is annoying for me, but for someone with chronic pain in her leg, it's not annoying. It's impossible. Could she do the walking? Well, probably. Probably, it's physically possible. But it would be so utterly exhausting that she wouldn't have any spoons left for anything else, so she chooses to use a wheelchair to navigate the airport and save spoons for getting luggage, navigating ground transportation, etc.

While Spoons per se should probably remain a term for discussing living with physical or mental disability, I think the idea of resources as finite is important for all of us.

I really appreciate Pr. Donna's wording in the sidebar; the goal is becoming the healthiest person you can be. That doesn't mean that chronic illness is gonna go away; it does mean that it's possible to be healthy within the constraints that illness imposes.

++

2. This actually makes me think of y'all's recent posts and thoughts: Niki thinking about willpower (do we choose to have or not have it) and Trudy's reflections on control (and acknowledging that we don't have it and ceding it to God), and Pr. Donna's June 28 sermon about how "you can't do that" is not a Jesus-like thing to think or say. ("If we're part of Christ's body, can't shouldn't be in our vocabulary.")

And... I don't think there's one answer. I don't think there's one way to conceptualize control, will-power, free will, and grace as we go about trying to build healthy bodies and healthy minds and healthy lives, because we're all at different places (although I know God is working in all of our lives, and we're never without grace).

For instance:
+I don't drink alcohol. This choice takes absolutely 0 willpower, energy, or spoons. I have no desire or temptation to drink alcohol.
+On the other hand, eating three meals a day? Is a massive, daily challenge at which I am currently failing. Pretty much all my meals are preceded by a grace wherein I thank God for helping to overcome the massive mental blocks between me and taking care of myself.

I know that for me, as soon as I start on the "I didn't get out of bed until past noon today -- I have no willpower -- no, I have willpower, I'm just lazy -- I am lazy and a failure --" track, there's no good that can arise from that. I'm still working on patterns of thinking that hold me accountable without holding me captive. (And I still think grace is the answer).

++

3. Accountability:

Joys:
+I meditate weekly with a small but committed group at Westport Pres. And the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") is constantly in my heart.
+Practicing openness and honesty with people who care about me.
+New medz, about which I have great hope.

Challenges:
+Uhh, getting out of bed before noon one two? I'd like to get back to midday services at Grace and Holy Trinity.
+Three meals a day. Seriously.
+Exercise, getting some.

[spiritual discipline] joy sadhana

1. Caveat

I do not blog publicly about my health.

2. Accountability

Success: Woke up, got up, and got dressed to go to midday services at Grace and Holy Trinity.

Complete failure Thing I am looking forward to doing better tomorrow: Waking up, getting up, and getting dressed in time to go to morning Mass. Or at the very least in time to see my girlfriend off.

3. Joy sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy. It is also called gleee!



Initially described by my friend Sachi thusly:

Sadhana is a practice done with 'higher intent' (this is often used with yoga or meditation, but can really be *anything* done with that intention). So... Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy.

The idea is to end my day by writing a list (not comprehensive, and in no particular order) of 5 good things about the day, and 3 things I did well. The things can be as small and random as necessary. I am doing this to ward off depression and destructive thoughts like "I did NOTHING today" or "NOTHING good happened today," no matter what the overall trend of the day was like.

And Sachi on sadhana:

It's about discipline, and a daily practice... but the higher-intent bit is important. It's not like (for example) "oh, I'm going to exercise every day", but "I am going to exercise every day as a spiritual practice."

(I will have to remember that this summer. I am not saying I'm great at sticking to spiritual practices? But I am much much better at that than anything that sounds like "homework.")

I adopted the practice as a Lenten discipline in 2005 and have been on and off the gleee!wagon ever since (currently off). One of the best things about joy sadhana has been seeing so many of my friends adopt and adapt the practice, which is suitable for people of any or no religion -- though I practice it as a Christian spiritual discipline and a reminder of God's daily and constant presence in my life.

My instructions for gleee!ing, adapted slightly for this format:

1. Choose a gleeeverse -- a quotation, a verse from scripture, a piece of a poem -- anything that makes you mindful. (This is optional.)
2. Every evening (or every evening that you can, or at midday if you need cheered up) mindfully consider the day so far and list five things that have given you pleasure. They can be anything. Large or small. Things like, "I'm still breathing," or "the nice person who let me in on the freeway" or "only two weeks till Christmas."
3. List three things you did well. These can also be large or small -- waking up, eating breakfast, not doing the very bad thing you were tempted to do, those are all accomplishments.
4. List two things you are looking forward to about tomorrow. They might be things you hope to accomplish, or goals you set for yourself, or just exciting events -- anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation.

The practice can be adapted however you see fit to align with your own beliefs about joy and intention -- this is just how I do it and how I see my friends doing it. :)

I have a gleeeverse for every season; my Ordinary Time gleeeverse is Philippians 4:4-8 (with especial emphasis on v. 4 and v. 8) (this may sound familiar since we looked it up yesterday before worship):

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, siblings, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. [NIV alt, emphasis mine]

Joy sadhana is not about happiness in the way that "health" does not mean "never being sick." Joy sadhana is about joy; it is about "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding," the abiding peace (did you see what I did there?) that underlies all of life and all of existence.