[joy] way down in the depths of my heart

After church yesterday, we met and talked about making the season surrounding Christmas as joyful as possible by choosing to focus on the things that are most important to us and setting aside the things that are distractions or burdens.

Many of us named mini-disciplines -- things we took upon ourselves or things we cast off -- that would help keep us joyful and focused in the last days of Advent and into Christmastide.

So how is everyone doing?

I said I would stop trying to add things to my already-whirlwind trip back east, and... I successfully didn't make plans with one of my cousins, although it's hard. Part of me really does want to see everyone, even though I know that logically I can't, and that I want to be able to enjoy leisure and rest with the people I am going to see.

How about the rest of you?

[food] "finest bread I will provide/till their hearts be satisfied"

All right, quick and dirty list of foods that I have on hand that require NO prep (pour food into bowl and/or put food on plate) or extremely minimal prep (microwaving).

Beverages:
(prep required: pour food into cup)
+Milk -- I drink about 2 gallons of skim milk a week
+Naked Juices -- expensive, but delicious, and more densely nutritious than other juices

Finger food
(prep required: pick up food)
+Fresh bagels

Bowl food:
(prep required: pour food into bowl. Eat with chopsticks or spoon)
+Trail mix
+Pre-shelled nuts (currently walnuts - no salt added)
+Frozen berries
+Cereal (currently store-brand Oat Bran), which can be combined with milk, berries, and/or trail mix for a more complicated recipe.
+Frozen broccoli (this requires three minutes in the microwave)

Plate food
(prep required: put food(s) on plate, sometimes stacked/spread/layered)
+carrot sticks (sometimes with hummus)
+bread (can be combined with below items to make sandwiches)
+peanut butter
+sandwich meat (pre-sliced)
+cheese (pre-sliced)

I am actually allowed (for definitions of "allowed" that apply to grown-ups, i.e., sanctioned by health professionals, support networks, and my own sense of self-preservation) to do things like eat ice cream for dinner, but all the items on the list above are more or less healthy.

first and foremost

First and foremost I FIGURED OUT MY EMAIL/PASSWORD!! yeah me!
Second, today on the way home daughter and I decided that we would go to the store and get salad's from the salad bar for lunch. I actually got a large salad so it will probably be dinner also. This whole eating right thing is not easy!! The factors are many and complicated... I know when we talked this morning after church I mentioned that feeding good things to the children was hard.. (and to myself) it seemed as if the consensus was that I should simply feed them whatever I cook and it would all work out in the wash... and I actually believe that it is true! I also know that being the only parent in this house creates challenges that require me to make decisions on what is important... am I making sense? I get to do it all.. and I take it on (mostly) happily. How do you combat stress when it seems as if ALL of your choices create more? (I am really not whining- only trying to process) If I let go of the ... laundry.. then we have dirty clothes... if it is the dishes then we have nothing to eat on... I ask the kids and demand and cajole.. etc etc for help from them and God bless 'em the do... but what can give so that everything else flows? Oh yeah and do some care taking of myself in the process? any good answers? anyone?.... anyone?..

time postings

Hi,

Before I forget, for those who haven't gotten an email from me and check the Blog, all my swimming times are in at the Masters Web site. The web address is http://www.usms.org/comp/meets//toptimes.php.
Click on gender, stroke, distance, and age group(45 -49).

I swam the 50 free, 50 breast, 50 fly and 100 IM.

Keep exercising and eat well.

Vicki

Things You Learn on "Marketplace"

Just heard this during a report about the sales of big televisions: "fifty-three percent of people surveyed say getting the TV they want is more important than energy conservation."

I'm actually a little surprised that it's only fifty-three percent.

I've been looking at furniture lately, and I must say it is amazing what one can pay for a television, and of course the giant TVs must suck down a ton of juice off of the grid.

I worry that television is doing us in. People are spending ridiculous amounts of money on it--the TV itself, and then the digital cable to make everything look good. People are paying their cable bills when they can't pay their rent. That's a pretty rough set of priorities.

And I have a TV. I also have cable, though I didn't when I first moved into this apartment, because I couldn't yet afford it. I work at least one extra shift at the restaurant every month to pay for my cable, and it would probably be nice to have that time for something else. But I watch TV and want the cable.

I do wonder, often, whether the "boob tube" is just stealing my time. I can justify the History Channel, or Discovery, or PBS (but not Antiques Roadshow). But I'm watching a lot of crap, too.

In Advent I'm going to ask people to have a one week television Sabbath. I'm hoping we can do it. It worries me that I'm not sure.

For the love of water

Hi everybody,

I'm on a Masters Swim Team. Masters Swim Team is for adults out of college up to any age, women and men. I joined to get in shape and some things in swimming has changed such as flip turns, jumping off the starting block and the new breaststroke style.

Saturday, November 7th, from 5-8 is the 1st local swim meet at Gladstone Community Center.
It is free for spectators.

I will swim the following events:

50 butterfly
50 breaststroke
100 IM (individual medley with fly, backstroke, breaststroke and freestyle)
50 freestyle
a relay (probably the medley)

My seed time (average) will place me in a heat. I will compete against men, women of any age. The computer will look at my age and sex with the other swimmers, adjusting the time.

Anybody is welcome to come. I haven't swam in front of people in a very long time. I won't swim in many meets because some meets are in other states.

Yes, I'm nervous. There will be alot of people and it will be noisy.
But it will be fun and I wanted to try out the new things I learned.

It really makes a difference to work out with other people in any exercise. It motivates me to eat better, train harder and get me in shape. My passion is water.

Because of my job working in the evenings, I train with the team on Saturday only and on my own swim Tuesday and Thursday in the mornings.

Address:
Gladestone Community Center
6901 North Holmes
Gladstone, MO 64118

Please pray that all will go well. I want to have fun and try out the new things I've learned.

Vicki

Perfection

Hi,

I have a problem at work. Everything has to be perfectly clean and organized. For the last few weeks I've been skipping my last break. Sometime soon I'll be evaluated with my other coworkers for a school score for the year. The person who scores us is the head of all the schools and will look under sinks and under book shelves for a little piece of paper. Pressure. With the flu and other illness we're suppose to disinfect more. Pressure. There's activites events to set up and put way with tables and chairs. Pressure. A custodian may be sick and there's overtime. Pressure.

My doctor told me to switch arms for cleaning and let the tendinits heal in the right. Easier said than done! I did that. But now my left inner elbow was a little sore last night.

How do you stop from being perfect? I need to take that 15 minutes for a break to sit, breathe, and drink alot of water. My other co-worker has dust and cob webs in his area. He knows when to stop. My other worker ran out of time the other day and didn't have time to do wash the extra desks after the Halloween parties. Our rooms were trashed and frosting was on every floor. Sometimes it's impossible to do it all.

So my goal is not to be perfect. Work hard and take my breaks when needed. If I don't, then I will have major problems with my own health. I have to learn not to feel guilty if it doesn't get done and be honest with my superviser if it's a crazy night with many events.

Anybody have any advice?

Vicki

Physical fitness

Hi everybody,

It's hard to be dedicated to physical exercise as the body gets older.
I started reading a magazine called Women's Health that has articles on style, health, fitness and nutrition tips.

I have less energy to work out and it's taking forever for my tendinitis in the elbow to heal. At work, I slipped on a wet floor, did a nice slit and used that sore arm to catch myself.
Damn, it was just starting to heal. Back to square one. Ice, Ibuprofen and stretching. I hate taking Ibuprofen because it hard on the stomach and well, what's the scientific word......., I'll just say it naturally - causes gas. I know that's part of getting older. Digestion is harder and people have gas problems. I know it's funny, but it can be a health issue. That could be an
interesting topic during health awareness group time.

Name 2 topics that you would like to discuss sometime?

Name 3 exercises or form of exercise you did this week? Don't laugh.

For me it was swimming, stretching, and exercises to help the abs (leg lifts, stomach crunches)

Eat heathy and stay well.

Blog

Hi everybody.

At the next meeting should we go walk a mile at the park, after church?

Is anybody out there?

Should we close down this Blog since it's not being used?

flu shots

As I wanted in line to get my flu shot the nurse announced they couldn't give the mercury free flu shot to pregnant and breast feeding mothers. That shot is not out yet. I thought mercury was out of all shots now. I guess that is the only way to preserve the dead virus that they shoot into the muscle.

With the health care confusion I didn't make any calls to people because sometimes phones are a problem but I did write my letters. Through the Autism Society I sent a letter to Washington and our State Rep. about needing health care for all, including those with autism. My job will not cover autism because then the insurance would be too high.

There's alot of dissagreement on what should be covered when it comes to autism and they're making it very complicated. The testing and the basics should be covered but not all the different therapies. Schools can provide that. That is one of the topics that is slowing down the passing of the health care reform that will cover insurance for all.

By the way, I keep getting a phone call from the Washington D.C. area that I don't answer. I'm not sure if it's sales or political. I don't give that number out too many people. I am involved with Sierra Club and get radical on petitions.

Yes, our country is in a crisis. Now they're saying 1 out of 100 children has an autism spectrum disorder. They need to find out now what is causing this disability and plan for the future - what do we do with these adults in the work force or for those who can't work?

Shots for young children or some pollution that triggers or damages a gene in the fetus of the baby, what ever it may be, families are struggling.

Three questions:

1) Some of you don't have children but answer this anyway - do you trust the goverment in the required shots that all need before going into the public school?

2) What do you think causes autism?

3) Are you getting the swine flu shot, even though there hasn't been enough time to test it?

Healthy habits, unhealthy habits

Two simple questions:

1) What three things did you do this week that is healthy for you body (physical), mind (emotional), or soul (spititual health)?

2) What three unhealthy things did you do this week that was unhealthy?

Sometimes we do things that are unhealthy because of habit, stress, tight on time or just tired. Priorites can get complicated when too many things are going on.

For me on question 1 - exercised, went to doctor on my elbow (tendinitis), some days ate no meat.

Question 2 - need to get more sleep, one day wanted chocolate and more chocolate, and I need to spend more time in prayer.


Answers can be simple. We're all busy. But the little things in health can go a long way and into a good habit.

On Sunday let's discuss - What do you struggle with when it comes to food? Are you an emotional eater, everything looks good, always hungry, eat on the go? Personality ties into
habits of eatting. Mental health ties into food. Discipline (will power) and control is the key to a sucessful diet.

Vicki

Conversations about Health Care

So today the President spent a few minutes (ten or so) on the phone with thousands of faithful people from 32 religious denominations (one of the fun facts I got from the phone call) to talk about Health Care Reform. I sat on the phone listening in to the whole of the conversation.. not just the presidential part :). It was so beautifully done, with stories from clergy and lay people alike talking about the consequences of having a broken system. This system that is based on profit and not wellness. This "free market", insurance driven, broken system. People are dying. People are living with pain when they shouldn't have to. People are delaying care and not buying the medicines that they require. People are forgoing caring for themselves so that they can get their children what they need. People are having to decide between medicine and food... medicine and bills...

This is an affront to what I as a Christian believe to be good and true. We are called (to act with justice) to care for everyone. EVERYONE. Regardless of ability to pay for the best care. The statistics are staggering.. this is the riches country in the world with one of the worst systems to support its people in their health... their HEALTH.

God wants us to be healthy. God wants us to be happy. God demands that we act for those that cannot act for themselves.

It is time... this is about our universal "health".

What are you going to do?

stuff from churchwide

You know what's happening at Churchwide?

...

You know what else is happening at Churchwide?

In March 2009 the ELCA Church Council adopted a churchwide strategy on HIV and AIDS. In its action the council voted to ask the churchwide assembly to approve a three-year, $10 million fundraising campaign in support of the strategy. The assembly also will be asked to affirm the strategy.

and

In 2007 the United Nations Foundation (UNF) approached Lutheran World Relief (LWR), Baltimore, and asked it to mobilize Lutheran constituents in the United States against malaria. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, Seattle, provided substantial funds to UNF for this purpose, and UNF plans to provide a grant to assist in fundraising for the initiative. The ELCA and the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod have been working with UNF and LWR to develop the initiative.

The ELCA Church Council, in November 2007, authorized the ELCA churchwide organization to develop the initiative, and it stipulated that the effort should be coordinated with the church's longstanding commitment to HIV and AIDS ministry.

In March 2009 the council recommended that the churchwide assembly approve continued development of the initiative, prepare resources and solicit donors during the next two years. The recommendation also asks for development of an LMI churchwide fundraising campaign, and asks that a report and recommendations be brought to the 2011 ELCA Churchwide Assembly.

You can watch the ELCA assembly live every day at the ELCA website. The AIDS discussion will be Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, and the Malaria discussion Tuesday afternoon. I understand that video highlights and possibly the entire video stream will be available after the Plenary Sessions.

++

Edited to add: There are also several interesting memorials from the Synods regarding health-related issues, including several involving disability. 2009 Memorials Committee Report.

[limitations] if I make my bed in Sheol You are there

Today I discovered that I can't actually walk 4 miles in 90 degree heat without wanting to pass out at journey's end.

I am more proud of myself for asking for a ride home from meditation than for the walk to meditation, 'cos yeah, eight miles in 90 degree heat wasn't going to happen.

We sang a musical setting of Psalm 139 that sprang to our musician's mind after hearing about my walk in the heat because of the "if I go down into hell, You are there" imagery. Which is trufax, yeah.

As usual, I was much better at meditation -- brain was quieter -- when my body was tired.

And I did indeed get a ride home.

[three things] accessibility

Our bulletin every week says:

Persons of all gender identities, races, ethnicities, economic backgrounds, and sexual orientations are encouraged to participate fully in every aspect of this community's life together.

At our Seers meeting on Saturday night, we looked briefly at this statement as a possible articulation of one of our core values as a community.

Despite the temptations inherent in laundry-list inclusion, I really wish we could add dis/abilities to that list, but. Inviting someone to church when they can't get in the door, hear the sermon, or share fellowship without going into anaphalactic shock is an empty invitation.

We shouldn't say that people are invited when we can't be fully hospitable to them. I think this is an issue this congregation needs to think about in terms of lots of issues, like race and gender identity, but I'd like to use this Three Things to open a conversation about dis/ability, since disability is a health issue as well as a welcome issue.

Before I ask the questions, two points from disability politics 101:
1. Many of the difficulties disabled individuals face are not inherent to their condition. They are caused by a society that is designed for (temporarily) able-bodied people. Disabled people face many daily impediments that are not inherent to their disability or chronic illness.
2. No one is able-bodied, full stop. If we have general freedom of movement, sight, hearing, etc, we are temporarily able-bodied. That could change at any moment.

So, three things!

1. What are three ways that our worship space is accessible to people with particular mental or physical disabilities? How are people with disabilities able "to participate fully in every aspect of this community's life together"?
2. What are three ways in which our worship space is not accessible to people with particular mental or physical disabilities? How are people with disabilities barred from full participation in every aspect of this community's life together?

Let's talk in this post especially about physical issues: the layout of the worship space, the movements throughout that space, the printed worship material, audibility issues, foodstuffs, etc.

[discussion question] health and spirituality

I am asking these questions honestly, folks. I keep getting hung up on the word "health."

Wellness works for me. Wellness suggests to me well-being, general goodness in one's state of being.

Health... I am reading as the opposite of sickness or illness, and when I think illness I think chronic illness, which leads to a whole different set of questions and a whole different problem.

Maybe it's that health as the opposite of sickness conjures up images of my girlfriend's medical texts and anatomy labs and I have difficulty connecting that to what we do in church on Sunday.

So my question is How is physical health a spiritual issue?

I will readily admit: I suck at honoring my body most of the time. If I could live in my head and didn't need to eat or sleep or move? I would be much happier. I wouldn't really be much happier, but I imagine that I would.

So talk to me about God and health and sickness and exercise and diet and all the things that are components of your idea of a healthy lifestyle and tell me how they are also part of your spirituality.

Or tell me, why does God want you me us to be healthy?

Or tell me, what does being healthy entail?

Write legibly in ink and cite all your sources. You have three hours.

[three things] bodily gifts

What are three things about your body that are gifts from God?

(For instance, but not limited to: things you do with your body to serve God and neighbor, things you love to do with your body, things you love about your body, things about your body that show forth God's grace and love for other people.)

[triumph] the second biggest hill in the world

The biggest hill in the world, of course, is the one Niki climbed after Merry Wives of Windsor. (Well, okay, actually, this is the biggest hill in the world, but setting that aside for the moment.)

The hill leading up to my apartment complex is the kind of hill that kind of prevents me from ever walking down it because I know that, no matter how good the rest of my walk is, it will have to end with GIGANTIC HILL OF DOOM.

So:
+Every Wednesday night, I go to meditation down in Westport. (Please ask me for details if you want to join us. It's a great blessing for me.)
+My car is still in Iowa, scrunched up and sad and with blood in the hood from the deer I hit last Monday.
+My girlfriend is in Wichita, visiting her family, and for reasons that fall into I Do Not Blog Publicly About My Health, I chose not to couldn't come with her.

So I walked to Westport. It's a four mile walk. I did it in jussst over an hour, so I'm just under my preferred walking speed (4 mph), but basically I'm pleased that I can still walk almost 4 mph despite being ever so slightly out of shape from several years of no exercise at all. So that was a physical triumph. Laziness, 0, Ruth Ellen, 1.

Then, before meditation started, I had a lengthy and enthused conversation with the people I meditate with (about the only subject I can reliably talk about at length and with enthusiasm: church. Specifically ours.) Still! Social anxiety, 0, Ruth Ellen, 1.

Meditation itself? Was so much better than for instance last week, when I was so anxious about the deer strike and related issues that I couldn't turn my brain off long enough to even try to meditate. This week, tired from walking and feeling lots less anxious, I actually managed to meditate without my brain exploding. General anxiety, 0, Ruth Ellen, 1.

Then I walked back home, since I canna sleep in Westport, and made that trip also in just over an hour. It seemed easier, too, except for that incredibly large hill that makes me never want to walk down from the safety of the apartment complex again.

So I walked eight miles yesterday. I give me 1 gold star, and my dad gives me two (one for every state I walked in) and my mom gives me one, and my best friend gives me one, and I am open to more. :)

+++

Then I stayed up until 5 in the morning talking first to best friend on the phone for nearly 6 hours and then to best Australian friend on IM (we almost never have the chance to chat because of the halfway around the world problem) until I finally had to collapse asleep. So sleep remains a problem.

But I walked eight miles yesterday, you guys. And had a real conversation and meditated deeply enough that my brain was almost, almost silent for half an hour.

\o/

Greetings

I am here, so now I just have to post something.

Yahoo article on orgaic foods

There's an article today through Yahoo on findings that organic foods are just as nutrient as regular food. Most people (I don't think) switch because of the nutrients. For me it's eating something that doesn't have toxic spray on it to fight insects, that could cause cancer in humans. But most important organic meat means the animal had a better quality life istead of being caged. The organic vegetables means they used environmental practices for the earth that didn't put chemicals into the ground table water and poisons that would affect the surrounding ecosystem. Local organic foods supports the local farmer who is trying to survive, taste better and it is better for the environment for food to travel less than 100 miles.

Three questions

1) What do you think when you hear the word organic?
2) What does that mean to you?
3) On some things are you willing to buy organic?


Because of the high cost of organic many can not afford it. I know, I can't sometimes. The consumer demand lately is to have more options available and with the higher demand, more companies will do it. It will eventually lower some prices. Walmart and Target are going green. I hope they're doing it for the good not because it's a money maker. Every little step we do goes a long way.

Fight for the injustice that causing harm to the earth. Customers have the power by what they buy or not buy. Pollution in all the geochemical cycles are affecting people, plants and animals.
Be a voice for God's creation in how you live: simple

Four Basic Types of Fats

There's alot of confusion on the different types of fats. Here is a defintion of the 4 fats.

1) Saturated fats - found primary in red meat, full-fat dairy products, and some tropical oils - has well-established negative health effects, increasing your risk of diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke, some cancers, and obesity.

2) Trans fat - listed on food labels as "partially hydrogenated vegetable oil" - are also bad, probably even worse than saturated oil. (Put into the products to make the foods last long).

3) Polyunsaturated fatty acids - Both omega-6 and omega-3 are so called polyunsaturated fatty acids. Omega-6 fatty acids are currently overabundant in the typical Western diet. They are present in corn, safflower, cottonseed, and sunflower oils. Omega 3 fats come in two distinct forms: plant derived and largely marine species drived.

4) Monounsaturated fats - the kinds found in olive oil and canola oils.


Healthy omega 3 and omega 6 in diet

1) Cook with canola rather than corn or safflower oil
2) Eat soy nuts and walnuts
3) Sprinkle wheat germ on cereal and yogurt: use it in baking
4) Eat wild Salmon, not farmed
5) Use flaxseed in muffins and breads.
6) Avoid processed and refined foods whenever possible, including packaged cakes, cookies, and backed goods.

Fats

Bad fats

• aeosolized whipped cream
• canned franks and beans
• coffee shop pastries
• creamy dressings
• fried foods and fried vegetables
• gravies
• hot dogs
• hydrogenated and particially hydrogenated oil products: margarine and solid vegetable shortening and overprocessed vegetable oils
• ice cream
• imitation dairy products
• mayonnaise
• microwave popcorn
• muffin and cake mixes
• peanut butter (use unsweetened, nonhyrogenated nut butters)
• processed snack foods: cakes, crackers, doughnuts, pastries, potato and corn chips
• sausages
• toaster pastries

Good fats

• plant sources such as unrefined flax oil, pumpkinseed oil, nuts like walnuts, and vegetables such as green purslane.
• fish - herring, mackerel, salmon, sardines, and sprat (fish that feed on seaweed)
• whole nuts and seeds
• chia seeds and flaxseeds
• cook with high-quality fats and oils
• Avoid - recipes and ingredients lists that have the following terms: breaded, buttered, cream, fried and gravy.
• Key Words - unrefined and organic

[three things] habits

Twofer: Threefer.

What are three unhealthy habits you'd like to break?

What are three healthy habits you'd like to establish?

What are three healthy habits that you already have?

prayer request

If you would hold me in your prayers this weekend? That would be super lovely.

*adores*

Wisdom on water

Okay here it goes,

I just finished a good book called "Saltwater Buddha - A Surfer's Quest To Find Zen On The Sea, by Jaimal Yogis" ( Couldn't find the underline button for a book). It's a excellent book written by an journalist who finds his spirituality in the ocean as a surfer. During his life journey he keeps coming back to the ocean and finds his religion in the sea. He becomes one with the water, a passion and a compulsion that he can't stop. He saw his journey of life like the ocean with storms (tough times) and calm waters (good blessings). The ocean water changes with season (some places like New York), water currents, temperature, chemistry changes like pollution. The sea became his teacher on life and how to approach things. The most important thing I learned from the book is 1) be who I am (not try to be something else for everybody, to conform) and 2) go with the flow of life (like the waves of the ocean). That is take life as it comes.

I'm trying to get in shape by swimming. I always loved the sport and I know somehow I also have a connect with the water. I can block off the outside world of people, music, television, phones, computers, and the rat race of life. People eat when they're frustrated; I've been letting it out in my swimming. It helps me focus and think things through. It's my meditation or Zen moment. I love the feel around me with water, feeling free.

I remember when I lived in Florida there was a beautiful beach that we went to and swam in with the stingrays. They are tame beautiful creatures that fly in the water like birds. (Of course I'm in their home so there's signs to shuffle your feet when entering the water so they know your coming and not spook them because that's when they sting).

Water has always fasinated me, maybe that's one reason I'm on the Stream Team. I want to be an advocate for the creatures in the water. We need the baby larva and pupa stages of insects to become adults. The adult insects are food for fish and so on up the food chain.

Water represents life in basptism. All living things need water. And yet it's the most destructive force on the face of the earth, in storms, hurricanes, etc. In fact, if we keep polluting the ocean water will change the Atlantic conver belt (one type of pattern of ocean currents) and Europe will have an ice age.

Future wars will not be over religion or politics but over who has the clean water.

In chemistry water can dissolve, dilute or bond to other elements.

Our bodies are mostly made of water.

I could go on to a book on this topic of water but I don't want to bore people with the basics of science.

For now medidate on this: Go get a glass of water, look at it, praise God for it, and drink it slowly.

Vicki

today

I have a lot of stuff bouncing around today in my head. I am trying hard to keep it all straight so that I can be a coherent human and get my stuff done!

1. being an adult can sometimes suck.... I wanted so badly to go to the lake today (self invited lake trip that is) but I have homework.. and as an adult I absolutely understand that by not doing my work to enjoy the day at the lake I am hurting myself and it really isn't worth it...*stupid growing up*

2. I just got my KCP&L bill and it is 150.00 ... what the heck?? We have been short a couple of people in the house and I actually have accomplished getting the kids to shut the doors etc when they are leaving.. also I turned my ac up... is there some new rate hike or tax I didn't know was coming?

3. I miss my kids.

4. Richard called me this week and said that he was getting on the plane with the kids to come back to KC. For all of you who know my situation you KNOW this causes me an enormous amount of stress... and I am not sure what to do about it.

5. I am starving... and I don't really have anything in the fridge... so the opportunity for bad choices is pretty high right now.

6. I adore my church and the people within it.

7. I am surrounded today with the grace of God which means all of this stuff bouncing around will work itself out... probably with very little help from me!

8. I was able to help my Pastor with her thumb owie a little and that ALWAYS makes me feel good.

love you all

today

Joy-
I made a list of all the things I needed to do in the next few days.

-I have accomplished at least three of the things on the list and am well on my way to getting the fourth done.

-Kids are behaving relatively well considering it is a day of chores.

-Dogs have had no accidents in the house as of yet.

-I walked Gunny for 10 min last night which is 10 min more than I have in a week.

Challenge-

I made a list of all the things I needed to do in the next few days and it is long.

I am sick to my stomach today. (possibly because I can't get ride of the anxiety that I am feeling about the kids getting on a plane by themselves and being gone for three weeks)

joy

Ruth Ellen: 1, anxiety disorder: 0.

Or, did you see what I did there this morning?

Yeah, that's really all I got. I'm just basking.

Joys

- I have a beautifully creative daughter who wants to drink pink water and paint pictures of me eating an apple looking at a dragon.

-I have a brilliant son who has nearly all the same interests as me and I can nerd out with him.

-The sunset last night was absolutely fabulous.. purple and orange-red tinted clouds under a deep blue sky.

-I am surrounded by people who not only love me but think about me and check in on me.

-My dog's kisses

-Girls at work who make me laugh every day.

-My parents who love me deeply.(which seems an in-adequate description of how full my heart is over how much they care for me)

[spoons, willpower, and grace] your faith has made you well

1. Spoons is actually the first thing I wanted to post about when we started discussing this blog. Spoon Theory [link goes to main page where there's a link to the 2 page pdf] is a way of conceptualizing chronic illness/disability that's really meaningful and helpful for me and many of the people I know. Go ahead and read it; I'll wait.

Here, e.g., people describe their own particular spoon requirements in living with repetitive stress injuries, blindness, anxiety, and other conditions.

Spoons are resources/energy that temporarily able-bodied people (this designation is a reminder that anyone could become disabled at any time) have and don't think about. Walking/running through an airport to catch a plane is annoying for me, but for someone with chronic pain in her leg, it's not annoying. It's impossible. Could she do the walking? Well, probably. Probably, it's physically possible. But it would be so utterly exhausting that she wouldn't have any spoons left for anything else, so she chooses to use a wheelchair to navigate the airport and save spoons for getting luggage, navigating ground transportation, etc.

While Spoons per se should probably remain a term for discussing living with physical or mental disability, I think the idea of resources as finite is important for all of us.

I really appreciate Pr. Donna's wording in the sidebar; the goal is becoming the healthiest person you can be. That doesn't mean that chronic illness is gonna go away; it does mean that it's possible to be healthy within the constraints that illness imposes.

++

2. This actually makes me think of y'all's recent posts and thoughts: Niki thinking about willpower (do we choose to have or not have it) and Trudy's reflections on control (and acknowledging that we don't have it and ceding it to God), and Pr. Donna's June 28 sermon about how "you can't do that" is not a Jesus-like thing to think or say. ("If we're part of Christ's body, can't shouldn't be in our vocabulary.")

And... I don't think there's one answer. I don't think there's one way to conceptualize control, will-power, free will, and grace as we go about trying to build healthy bodies and healthy minds and healthy lives, because we're all at different places (although I know God is working in all of our lives, and we're never without grace).

For instance:
+I don't drink alcohol. This choice takes absolutely 0 willpower, energy, or spoons. I have no desire or temptation to drink alcohol.
+On the other hand, eating three meals a day? Is a massive, daily challenge at which I am currently failing. Pretty much all my meals are preceded by a grace wherein I thank God for helping to overcome the massive mental blocks between me and taking care of myself.

I know that for me, as soon as I start on the "I didn't get out of bed until past noon today -- I have no willpower -- no, I have willpower, I'm just lazy -- I am lazy and a failure --" track, there's no good that can arise from that. I'm still working on patterns of thinking that hold me accountable without holding me captive. (And I still think grace is the answer).

++

3. Accountability:

Joys:
+I meditate weekly with a small but committed group at Westport Pres. And the Jesus Prayer ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner") is constantly in my heart.
+Practicing openness and honesty with people who care about me.
+New medz, about which I have great hope.

Challenges:
+Uhh, getting out of bed before noon one two? I'd like to get back to midday services at Grace and Holy Trinity.
+Three meals a day. Seriously.
+Exercise, getting some.

acting out

OK-

So I have yet to post a joy.. although I did reply to Ruth Ellen with a joy verse... I swear I feel joy and quite often.. it just seems as if the stress gets more attention.

Daughter is acting out. I don't know if she is doing this consciously or if it just the nature of a young girl who has some stress of her own. She is breaking the rules, not doing chores and is generally a pain in the butt. I was going to be more gentle than that but it is the truth God love her.

I came home tonight after having cut 12 people's hair in 5 hrs and getting crappy tips. I didn't even get out of the car at my folks house because I was so tired. The kids got in the car and daughter wasn't feeling well.. after I came home and saw the disaster I suspect she felt bad because she knew she had destroyed the bathroom! I looked back at her and both her hands, her leg and her foot (not to mention a good portion of her face) were bright pink...I asked and her response was "It's food coloring"... well as my good friend Lisa would say I didn't twig! It did not occur to me in the slightest that when I got home I would walk into a bathroom that looked as if Happy Bunny had been sacrificed to the gods of mischief.

I walked into my house and then into my kitchen and my cousin (who lives here) said ..."um.. have you looked in the bathroom?" her eyes were wide and I was very afraid.

There was pink dye all over my bathroom. This is dye you use for coloring icing for cakes.. the good kind. The expensive kind. My sink, toilet, tub, towels, walls, shower curtain and floor were all splattered with dye.. splattered sounds nice.. it was..well all I can say is holy crap.

So I am sitting at the computer trying to not go eat some blueberry cheesecake because I am in no way hungry... I am stressed... I went to the store and got some magic erasers and they seemed to do fairly well although I imagine we will have to use them more than once to get everything off....

I am going to head to bed and send a good prayer up to God.. thanking him for giving me the patience to not throttle my daughter whom I love more than life... and that tomorrow will maybe have less stress...

please?

Joys

I feel very healthy of late, and am really happy about that. I need to lose some weight, after a very successful effort last year. Other than that, I'm pleased with the way things are going.

I get out and walk at least twice a day. I would like to say that it's because I am vigilant about exercise. Really it's because I have a dog.

I am working less than I was when I went back to the restaurant. I feel more peace, because I'm not running from one place to another all of the time. I have a lot of things to do for church, and I need more energy to do them. This week off is working wonders in that direction.

I'm nurturing friendships after a hiatus in the suburbs. Yes, it is possible to live in the suburbs and maintain your friendships. There's more to that comment than meets the eye, and it's staying that way. I'm just pleased about reconnecting with friends.

So those are my joys right now. I'm going to the kitchen now, and hopefully will make a good choice. Wish me luck.

Challenges

1st challenge-

hanging out with my extended family creates and environment of eating crappy food and drinking way to much.
2nd challenge-
i have a hard time switching gears... i can't (or don't) eat like crap for a few days and then get back on the "eating better" wagon.
3rd challenge-
i have (or choose to have) no will power...
grrrr

[spiritual discipline] joy sadhana

1. Caveat

I do not blog publicly about my health.

2. Accountability

Success: Woke up, got up, and got dressed to go to midday services at Grace and Holy Trinity.

Complete failure Thing I am looking forward to doing better tomorrow: Waking up, getting up, and getting dressed in time to go to morning Mass. Or at the very least in time to see my girlfriend off.

3. Joy sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy. It is also called gleee!



Initially described by my friend Sachi thusly:

Sadhana is a practice done with 'higher intent' (this is often used with yoga or meditation, but can really be *anything* done with that intention). So... Joy Sadhana is a daily practice in the observation of joy.

The idea is to end my day by writing a list (not comprehensive, and in no particular order) of 5 good things about the day, and 3 things I did well. The things can be as small and random as necessary. I am doing this to ward off depression and destructive thoughts like "I did NOTHING today" or "NOTHING good happened today," no matter what the overall trend of the day was like.

And Sachi on sadhana:

It's about discipline, and a daily practice... but the higher-intent bit is important. It's not like (for example) "oh, I'm going to exercise every day", but "I am going to exercise every day as a spiritual practice."

(I will have to remember that this summer. I am not saying I'm great at sticking to spiritual practices? But I am much much better at that than anything that sounds like "homework.")

I adopted the practice as a Lenten discipline in 2005 and have been on and off the gleee!wagon ever since (currently off). One of the best things about joy sadhana has been seeing so many of my friends adopt and adapt the practice, which is suitable for people of any or no religion -- though I practice it as a Christian spiritual discipline and a reminder of God's daily and constant presence in my life.

My instructions for gleee!ing, adapted slightly for this format:

1. Choose a gleeeverse -- a quotation, a verse from scripture, a piece of a poem -- anything that makes you mindful. (This is optional.)
2. Every evening (or every evening that you can, or at midday if you need cheered up) mindfully consider the day so far and list five things that have given you pleasure. They can be anything. Large or small. Things like, "I'm still breathing," or "the nice person who let me in on the freeway" or "only two weeks till Christmas."
3. List three things you did well. These can also be large or small -- waking up, eating breakfast, not doing the very bad thing you were tempted to do, those are all accomplishments.
4. List two things you are looking forward to about tomorrow. They might be things you hope to accomplish, or goals you set for yourself, or just exciting events -- anything that you're looking forward to, that means you're facing tomorrow with joy, not trepidation.

The practice can be adapted however you see fit to align with your own beliefs about joy and intention -- this is just how I do it and how I see my friends doing it. :)

I have a gleeeverse for every season; my Ordinary Time gleeeverse is Philippians 4:4-8 (with especial emphasis on v. 4 and v. 8) (this may sound familiar since we looked it up yesterday before worship):

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, siblings, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. [NIV alt, emphasis mine]

Joy sadhana is not about happiness in the way that "health" does not mean "never being sick." Joy sadhana is about joy; it is about "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding," the abiding peace (did you see what I did there?) that underlies all of life and all of existence.

The Biggest Damn Hill in the World

That might be a slight exaggeration... but half way up it felt as if it was 12 ft. straight in the air. Let me explain about my evening. My parents, children, Pastor and friend went to Shakespeare in the Park this evening (I went too even though I foolishly left myself off that list). This is a free event in my town and rather a fun evening.. they have been doing it for 17 years and this year was The Merry Wives of Windsor which we all tried to read (or most of us) and none successfully. It is held in a park so there is no formal parking and you must sort of fend for yourself along streets and neighborhoods. This is all downtown so it can be a maze of one way streets which leads me to great confusion. We found a spot and it was roughly 3,000 miles away from the entrance of the park. Again, possibly a slight exaggeration. You see I wore flip flops.. and not the cushy kind but the ones that are simply a piece of sueded cardboard. The way down was not too bad... like I said it was 12 ft. going back up.. so going down was almost like sailing! My feet, my poor feet and the abuse I put them through. The play was funny with a touch of sweet which Mr. Shakespeare does so brilliantly and it was time to go home. In order to honor my promise to be honest I will say that on the way down that mosterous hill I was certain that my father would drive me to my car, if only I asked. Because he would worry about me.. because I am overweight.. and I would have the kids.. and it's dark.. and I am horrible with directions and downtown... and because he is my daddy..

So I asked and before my father could say 'yes of course' my lovely sister in Christ looked me in my face and told me to hoof it. My dear Pastor said... "wouldn't this be a good blog Niki?" She looked me in my face and ... DARED to hold me accountable... to say to me with her eyes and her subtle reminder that there is always opportunity to challenge ourselves in even the smallest of ways. (I love her dearly because she holds my feet to the fire when I need it most) My youngest grabbed my hand and said "I will be with you Mom - we will protect you" How lucky am I? We walked up the biggest damn hill in the world tonight.. and I huffed and I puffed and I will never wear flip flops to the park again, my feet are killing me... but people.. I walked that hill and it felt good.

OK so for this blog I am calling myself NikiWill... partially because it is a combo of my name but I also thought it would make for good inspiration. So for my first blog I am going to say what I will be doing

I will promise to be honest.

I will work hard on honoring myself enough to eat in a better way.

I will pay attention to my moods and motivations and how they affect my eating habits.

I will love myself more.

I will move more.

I will pay closer attentions to the messages that God sends me all the time.

I will pray more.

I know that every step I take on this "lovin' myself" path will help me step into my glory.